Often I like to spend my time daydreaming about my farm where my sheep, goats and chickens roam freely. And then the phone rings and reality intrudes leaving me perfectly annoyed. Last week the phone call was an interview for a job.
- A job that I am perfectly qualified for.
- A job that I know I would do well.
- A job that would be happily welcomed, since I have been out of one since April of last year.
But, here’s the problem as I reach this latest crossroad in my life: Do I really want another job? Do I want to live that nine to five (more realistic these days is nine to seven or eight) existence? Do I want to give up my personal life, and my personal pursuits that during this semi-retirement I have grown to love.
Part of the beauty of this time away from my career was finding out more about me at 47. What makes me passionate? I’m growing every day — finally — into a woman that I can be proud of. A quiet strength flourished inside of me for the past five years, a strength that bubbled over as a result of some pretty devastating personal circumstances.
I don’t dwell on those pasts. Not at all. I carry on, and as a result I’m stronger now. Empowered? Perfectly defined beyond my past, and fully developed (well..almost) into a functioning adult. I can do things on my own. How can I be feeling such strength when dealing with life difficulties? I can’t answer that other than to know that I’ll make it. We’ll make it. We’ve made it. Hit it Barry Manilow:
“Looks like we made it!”
Yes we did and kept each other on the way.
But keeping my head up above the water still presents its daily challenges. I do sometimes sneak in obsessive solitaire games on my computer while I lounge in bed, two cups of coffee down. Sneaking peeks time and time again towards my husband busily typing away working on stories. Still, I lounge. I admit to feeling a twinge of guilt. I’m playing solitaire while my husband works his ass off!
I know what I should be doing, but not doing it allows me to fall down a bit and fall into a bit of daydreaming that I really enjoy. Daydream? About what? My farm with chickens and goats..well that, among others. A whole host of things. The Oscar Red Carpet. If it had been me that bought that lotto ticket in the gas station nearby where I grew up.
During those moments I know what I should be doing. Instead, those are the moments where I sink under the water a bit, wondering when things will be getting better.
I suffer from the occasional pity party, now and again. “WOW – God, I thought that out of the fire from the past four-plus years, you would have brought some pretty kick ass sunrises and sunsets to our days, not more cloudy uncertain prospects.” Less than perfect for me, sometimes means less than zero.
The waves always bring me back up though, and I’m ready to start again. Despite life’s uncertainties, getting up, having structure, having a schedule is the most important thing to anyone’s psyche. Will I get the job? I have no idea. Surveys say the more time that lapses between the interview means NO, but who knows? If I get the job is it a blessing or will it derail me from discovering me more fully? Again, who knows?
I know one thing, I will wake up, have my two cups of coffee play a game of solitaire (or not..maybe I’ll be more productive instead), and live each day as it comes, thankful for the sunrises and sunsets that flash across my landscape in this beautiful mountain town.