49ers one move to relevance: Hire Chip Kelly

Here’s a simple new year’s wish: May the dreadful San Francisco 49ers hire Chip Kelly as its next coach.

No, I am not sure Kelly would be a success. No, I don’t think he’s any more pleasant than Jim Harbaugh, and yes, I’m sure he would barely conceal his disdain for the foolishness of Jed York. So in short, this wish of mine is never going to happen.

Ironically, though, I’m not the only one thinking it. A report from this morning says Tomsula will likely take the fall for this season and a new coach who makes a splash will be sought. A name the “report” mentioned: Chip Kelly. Obviously, such reports are mostly garbage, stuff dreamed up to generate clicks on websites that are rarely accurate, but hey, it’s nice to know I’m not the only dreaming this New Year.

Kelly is a control freak and the bumbling leadership of Trent Balke and Jed York would never humble themselves enough to cede any power to a coach. Besides, Kelly got ran out of Philadelphia mainly because he didn’t play well with ownership and wanted control over the whole team. Harbaugh didn’t even want that.

Let’s be clear. Kelly was an awful general manager. His ego ruined a dynamic and entertaining Eagles team. He needed a good GM to get him the players he could succeed with. So I don’t want Kelly in charge of the organization, just the team (but hey, even Kelly could do a better job than Jed York and Trent Baalke.)

But let’s face some facts:

  1. The San Francisco 49ers are not only one of the worst teams in the league; they are the most boring. Their brand new billion dollar stadium is already an empty shrine to the idiocy and arrogance of the York family, who spurned the city of San Francisco and its deep roots to pander to Silicon Valley.
  2. The Yorks, especially Jed, can claim no part of the 49ers championship legacy. Ever since Jed’s uncle, Eddie DeBartolo had to sell the team to his sister, the team has been all sorts of lousy. The only sniff of excellence they had came under Harbaugh. Little Jed’s ego got hurt, Harbaugh got fired, and the 49ers quickly returned to the dismal years that are a trademark of the York regime.
  3. The stadium is an unmitigated disaster. Light years away from vibrant San Francisco’s downtown (especially in traffic, which is always) the team belongs now to San Jose more than City by the Bay. After one year nobody really gives a shit in either city.
  4. Current head coach, Jim Tomsula, seems like a genuinely good guy, a decent position coach, who is absurdly in over his head. His coaches are a joke because quality coaches refused to work for such an unprepared head coach.

So Chip Kelly as the team’s coach makes all the sense in the world. He would be interesting from the day he took over. He would energize the fan base. He would make Colin Kaepernick a potential star again in his high-powered offense and would probably also draft another athletic QB to ensure both depth and competition. In short, he would light a match to the collective ass of this lethargic joke of an NFL franchise.

Would he make the team interesting enough to endure the trek to Santa Clara to watch them in person? No way in hell. The stadium is that bad. But at least, loyal fans that go back to the 1970s would have something interesting to watch on TV.

The only move that would truly fix this franchise is the sale of the team (and an earthquake that toppled the stadium) forever ridding all 49er fans of the York nightmare. But if Jed isn’t the owner of the 49ers, he becomes just another silver spoon trust fund boy and less relevant than Paris Hilton. Selling? Ain’t happening.

Of course, Chip Kelly as the head coach won’t happen either, At least dreaming about it helps pass the time while ignoring the 49ers playing a meaningless, lousy game at the end of a meaningless lousy, laughingstock season.

 

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