Tag Archives: film

It only took a year, but our first T-shirt is here!

The picture you see above is not, I repeat not, the Effin Artist boardroom. If we have a boardroom like that, we wouldn’t need to sell T-shirts.
But it’s nice to dream right? Dreaming is basically what set this whole “I’m an Effin Artist, man” thing in motion–for better or worse.
Dreaming is basically all we’ve done from the start.
We used to a write an Effin Artist email. It went out to our family. We’re Italian, so it’s a pretty big list. And the other benefit was, we’re family, so they got the damn email whether they wanted it or not.
For a while, it was pretty lively. Then, my schtick wore off a bit (right about the time I stopped offering prizes for responding to the email… hmmmn). So in search of a better audience, we launched Effin Artist and the email stopped.
I kept waiting for that moment when the email readers would reach for the leg that had been amputated and realize it’s gone.
And then I got tired of waiting. So I went ahead and sent a newsletter offering a “future” prize of a free T-shirt! It went something like this:
I’m back. EFF you all if you don’t like it. Go to the bottom, find the unsubscribe button, click it and the demons of cyberville will unleash digital hell upon you because that’s what you’ll deserve. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Yeah, it was a Christmas email. Cheery, huh? Now maybe you understand why the email “subscribers” were less than enthusiastic participants.
Anyway, the point of all that brings me to this: Those T-shirts I promised last Christmas, are FINALLY here! Right here, to be exact.
Who needs a boardroom?! We got T-shirts!
T-shirts make incredible Christmas gifts. Trust me on this. It is not too early to shop. I’m experienced in Christmas failures.
Buying “stuff” isn’t really my thing. Yet, I do like stuff as much as the next heathen. Stuff is like that. Sneaky, lusty and all that. But still, I’ve never been great at the whole make-a-Christmas list and fill it with a lot of stuff, wrapping said stuff, mailing said stuff and all that stuff. I’m a stuff failure.
The last few years I’ve tried to make stuff for Xmas. Some have gone over better than others, I guess (you’d have to ask the email list subscribers). Most arrive late though. So my made “stuff” is really more like a “hey, it’s a new year and it’s cold and it’s not all bad,” kind of gift.
Last year I tried to remedy that by promising Effin Artist T-shirts, something I make, but something someone else would deliver! It was foolproof, except, one snafu, which I wrote about back then:
These T-shirts are going to rock. Our only problem is our logo because, well … it doesn’t rock. In fact, it’s pretty much crap. Nothing worse that getting stuff that looks like crap that you have to wear on top of that. Even I’m not that cruel.
But thankfully, after four designers, we fixed the crap logo. Now it’s a great logo (made by the wonderful Ilaamen Pelshaw), which means we also have the long-awaited T-shirts (For real, right here. You can get one. To be clear, they aren’t Christmas gifts I’m giving you. I think they should be Christmas gifts you give others. Just want to be really clear on that point!)
And they make great Christmas presents because these are more than the first edition Effin Artist, “unFuck The World” T-shirts. The funds raised by the sale will go to the production costs of the Effin Artist authors and a feature film that we are working on right this very minute to get launched in 2017. After all this time basically mucking around and cheering Effin Artists everywhere, we’ve finally decided to get serious and do sh*t that matters. For us, that Sh*t is elevating great artists and stories that inspire change.
So buy a whole sh*tload of T-shirts to help these great stories get told.
Tis the season, right?!

Who knew three minutes took so long?

Several years ago, Effin Artist started with a little voice in my head that I’d say to myself time and again. I’d do something creative that would make me feel good.

I’d say to myself, “I’m an Effin Artist, man!”

Then it became a newsletter to family, which then grew into a lark of a website I built only to learn how to build websites. Then it became a blog and a real website that I called my writer’s platform.

It turns out the Great Divine had much more in mind. Effin Artist continues its evolution into something I couldn’t have dreamed up had I wanted to, which is saying something because I do some serious dreaming when I get on a roll.

What is it? That’s coming soon. But with that next evolutionary phase in mind, we gathered to capture the essence of Effin Artist in a three-minute video.

I thought it would be easy. Three minutes. How hard is that? I guess harder than I thought. The director, Dave Moutray of Crux Jinx Productions,  called for a 6 a.m. call time. We had all day to film, so that seemed weird, but I went with it.

The sky was dark. They wired me and lit me and shaded me and did all sorts of stuff while I tried to sit still. They said, ready, snapped that clacker thing in front of my face and said, “Action.”

I stared at it all silently.

“Uh… that’s your cue,” Dave told me.

“Cue for what?” I asked.

What is Effin Artist?” the folks with the fancy cameras and bright lights asked me.

“Uh…,” I said.

“Well, you might need to say a little more than that,” Dave said.

I then launched into an incoherent eight-minute ramble that seemed inspired to me through the first six minutes. Then the camerawoman’s head fell into her camera, and I wondered if I had gotten a tad off message. I decided to wrap it up, which took two more minutes.

“Maybe we need to say it just a bit tighter,” he said.

“Cam B, wake up,” he said next.

The woman’s head jerked up and she wiped the slobber from her chin.

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We kept at it. At one point, my daughter’s voice came through the window, unmistakable in its derision.

“Seven takes for one sentence? Geez, he sucks,” she said.

I felt the love.

We kept at it. At one point, we had this brilliant light, but Dave said, “hold for sound.” I then noticed the parrots of Telegraph Hill, who fly by our window every Sunday morning on cue, did what they always did, singing and flapping and circling as the Sun did what it does, rising. They all looked sort of impatient.

“The birds are taking one more lap,” the light guy said. The sound guy never said much. He just looked out. I realized the poor guy was wearing headphones, which every inane thing that left my mouth went right to his ears. I think at one point I broke into song from a little lyric I wrote “When I get home again where the parrots sing…” I made a note to give him hazard pay.

Nobody else seemed very happy about the parrots.

“Strike it,” the director said. “The Sun’s washed it out.” They started moving all the lights and stuff they had put it up.

Eventually, they had me leave and had a writer friend of mine who has suddenly become very important to Effin Artistry, Dawn Pier, sit down and start talking to the camera. They all seemed happy with that move.

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And so it went. Lots of interviews and lots of cameras and lights and changes and things until suddenly our three minutes took several hours and well, I watched amazed at the artistry on display, all in an attempt to capture the artistic vision of this thing called Effin Artist.

What is Effin Artist?

Shrug.

I’m not sure we figured that out. But I know this: Whatever it is, is pretty Effin cool and you’ll be hearing more really soon… about three minutes more to be precise. Because the folks at Crux Jinx, well, trust me, they are Effin Artists, man. And patient ones, too.